Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A LETTER TO A VERY SPECIAL PERSON

Hiya,

How's things brah? I'm sure you're probably bored out of your mind most of the time. I know most people think your job is exciting because they've seen so many cop shows on TV. But I know your life is as far as it gets from finding a dead porn star floating in a vat of KY jelly like they do on CSI. That's just TV. That stuff doesn't even happen to homicide detectives in Pittsburgh. And as we both know, you're far from being any kind of detective, much less homicide.
It must get awfully boring and mundane, sitting in your cruiser all day, hiding behind that awful billboard for "Dick's Sporting Goods". But I guess you gotta hide somewhere. If all the drivers on the road saw you in plain daylight, they'd all slow down and you wouldn't meet your quota for speeding tickets. Speaking of, I've always thought going 5 miles over the speed limit was kinda par for the course, right? I just figured the only cops that gave tickets for going 70 in a 65 were just anal retentive sticklers or at least really desperate to meet their quotas. Maybe you could explain better broseph, cause I don't get it.

While we're on the subject, how could you clock me going over the speed limit and not the guy in the right lane driving right alongside of me in his yellow H2 Hummer. I'm pretty sure he was going quite a bit more than 5 miles over the limit. Yet you let him go. I know, I know. Sour grapes. I can dig it brah. No hard feelings, I paid the ticket already. Money order from Rite Aid for $189.50. Kind of a big chunk of change for me these days. See, I'm a musician. Which means I'm broke most of the time. It's a tough way to make a living. But I'm sure you smell what I'm cooking. You're nearly 50 and you haven't made detective yet? Were you like one of those loose cannon cops in the movies who pissed off his superiors because he wouldn't play by the rules and they'd threaten you along the lines of "IF YOU DON'T CLEAN YOUR ACT UP MAZURSKY, YOU'LL BE HANDING OUT SPEEDING TICKETS IN PITTSBURGH THIS TIME NEXT MONTH!!!"
A bit dramatic, you think? I know. Figures. I went to school to write screenplays.
Hey that gives me an idea! Whadaya say to me riding along with you next week, watching you bust the bad guys, clean up the streets, solve the down and dirty---sorry, I got carried away. What was I thinking?

"You hide behind fucking billboards all day."

Whoah! Sorry about that. Maybe that came off as harsh. Doc says I can be a bit passive-aggressive sometimes. I guess this is one of those times. Again, a thousand apologies. Well, I guess I should wrap this up. Places to go, people to see, you know how it is. Wait. You don't. You fucking hide behind billboards all day. Which reminds me of a story I once heard.

My friends dad was driving down the highway. He's about 70 years old or so. A real live wire though. Anyways, an officer just like yourself, hiding behind a Tanning Salon billboard or something akin, screeches out and pulls him over for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and asks for his license and registration. Do you wanna know what the old man said?

"I fought for this country In Korea and you hide behind a fucking billboard just to give me a ticket!"

And do you know what?
The cop let him go.

I'm just saying.






Later,
Mark

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

they all look like they have shit in their pants, don't they?

Matt said...

Blame Harrisburg. They make local stations fill a quota or they yank away funding.

Actually, I would be honored if you guys performed my song "Harrisburg". It's a song about love gone sour, suspicion and big hair.